We have recently removed all gym equipment from your stations, for your own good.  We learn however that some of you are still pumping irons and using trouser presses. You just won’t learn, will you?

This domesticated bravado is to stop immediately before someone burns a finger, or mistakes the activation phone for something made by Russell Hobbs.

Action will be taken against crews found with neatly pressed uniforms, or for that matter, inexplicably scorched ears.

Washing up is to stop too, as the water can get jolly hot, and there is an additional risk of ingesting 1.5 litres of HOSPEC if you were suddenly pinned-down by the legs of an ironing board whilst holding a large funnel between your teeth.

Fauline Bizzarely. Safety Pin-up Advisor